I Gave Myself Another Look
After decades of being a chameleon, changing and adapting myself to safely belong, I didn’t have a solid grasp of who I truly was. The small sense of self I developed growing up in an alcoholic home was further diminished when I dated an abuser, then an alcoholic. There was no room in those relationships for my opinions or growth. I was so lost I couldn’t make any decisions for fear they would be wrong and I would be punished. I needed to be told everything, from what restaurant to eat at to what my interests or goals should be.

Now, after just nine months in Al-Anon, I can look back and see myself more clearly. I wasn’t sure I had made any progress until after I was told it was visible to others. I gave myself another look. I can see slow and gradual progress. I can make decisions. I speak up, but most importantly, I am less reactive. I feel less responsible for my alcoholic loved one’s mood or problems. The woman I want to be can still care for others while holding boundaries. The woman I want to be can pause and think of the response I know can be more effective for my goal—a woman whose own north has a stronger pull than anyone else’s.

I can forgive my mistakes and character defects because they weren’t born from malice. Living life for myself and not someone else is an easier battle today, and one I don’t back down from as readily as I did in the past. My alcoholic loved one and I are separate people, and I am worthy of mattering equally as a partner.

By Levi L., British Columbia

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Serenity in Times of Stress
I find the Al-Anon slogans very handy to use as reminders on my journey to recovery. My two favorites are “Let Go and Let God” and “Let It Begin with Me.” These slogans capture the essence of the Serenity Prayer for me. By letting go and letting God handle things, I accept the things I cannot change more easily. It is a reminder that I am powerless over many things, and those are best handled by God. This allows me to have peace and serenity in times of stress, anxiety, or indecision.

Next, “Let It Begin with Me” prompts me to change the things I can to improve my situation. Sometimes, I forget that things may not improve if I simply sit back or just complain about my situation or my needs not being met. In those times, this slogan reminds me to think about things I could do, such as finding alternatives if I am unhappy with my situation. I could simply ask another person for their company or help if the person I first had in mind is not able or willing.

By Anonymous

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Balance from My Center
A hula hoop is a fitting metaphor for what is and what isn’t within my control. My hula hoop is large, sturdy, and does not easily bend. I carry it with me all day, every day. It reminds me that I do have a personal space that is mine to manage. However, on the outside of my hula hoop, clinging to it ferociously, are grief, pain, anxiety, sadness, and regret. They are always hanging around at the edges of my hula hoop.

I attend Al-Anon meetings because sharing there helps me find a balance so I can stand strong from my own center. If I fall away from meetings, I lose my core strength, and the negative emotions can reach in to pinch me, trip me, or smack me upside my head. It is not easy to keep balance inside the hula hoop, but my friends in the fellowship remind me at every meeting of some of the tools I can use to keep me upright and moving forward.

By Cecelia P., Washington

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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A Second Life
I was introduced to Al-Anon shortly after my spouse had passed. I was lost at the time, and the group accepted me just as I was. It took time to understand the Al-Anon principles found in the Steps and Traditions, but over time I was changing into a different person. I never felt pushed into anything.

It took me a year to volunteer to chair a meeting. Now, I am the Secretary of my home group and involved in public outreach. I enjoy the sense of family that I feel at every meeting. It is such a great feeling to be accepted as I am and to try to give back in gratitude for all that Al-Anon has given me. I have been given a new outlook on life, and I have found my Higher Power and a new self-confidence to do more things than I ever did before. Al-Anon has changed my life for the better, and I am happy it did. It has connected me to all the people in my circle whom I now call friends.

By Howard A., Ontario

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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My Train
My train headed nowhere at a very early age. Before Al-Anon, my endless overthinking and self-will would take me to undesirable destinations. In my new Al-Anon journey, I am learning to release those thoughts and not get on the train. I no longer wait on the platform in my mind to board the train of thoughts. My choices give me opportunities to seek different destinations.

By working the program step by step, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My new destination is whatever road leads me to my Higher Power—a road well-traveled “One Day at a Time” because of Al-Anon. I am so grateful for my Sponsor’s experience, strength, and hope. With her support, I stopped going to the platform of my mind. With her help I direct my attention and recovery towards helping others. I look for service opportunities that use my experiences of recovery in Al-Anon. My train of thought is in recovery now and travels on a different track. Thanks to Al-Anon, I’m traveling in a beautiful direction.

By Jane C., Massachusetts

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Awareness, Acceptance, and Action
When I arrived in Al-Anon, I had a limited ability to identify specific feelings. I recognized anger and maybe sadness but had no clue about fear or shame. I had no idea that shame was affecting my daily choices. Overcoming and understanding my shame led me to the three A’s of
Al-Anon—awareness, acceptance, and action.

Gaining awareness of the deep shame I felt took years of working with Sponsors, attending meetings, reading Conference Approved Literature (CAL), and doing several Fourth Steps. As a foster child, I grew up believing that something was fundamentally wrong with me (one definition of shame) because no one would adopt me. One of my foster parents was a “dry drunk,” and her comments about and to me reinforced the belief that no one wanted me. I never shared this belief with anyone but carried it deep inside into my adult relationships and behaviors. I married an alcoholic and finally found Al-Anon. Slowly, over many years of working my program, I became aware of this deep shame.

Acceptance has often been hard for me, but making a list of the behaviors that cause me shame and the people that trigger my shame is easier today. I can accept that I was ashamed of myself as well as of other people’s behavior.

Action is still a work in progress. Today, I identify my behaviors that are motivated by shame. Perfectionism, blaming myself for everything, and people-pleasing are signals that I am acting out of that old shameful habit. I seek the help of my Higher Power and talk to my Sponsor and Al-Anon friends to clarify my thoughts. I know that with acceptance and use of my Al-Anon tools, I can adjust my perspective and regain a balanced view of myself and my part in life’s situations.

By Madeline S., Wyoming

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Growth in the Safety Zone
Like everyone else I know in Al-Anon, I’m working on myself. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been doing so since I started in 1998. It doesn’t matter how many service positions I’ve held in the group, in the District, and in the Area. I may have had more experiences in my recovery than some, learned a lot through service, and had more opportunities because of those experiences to grow in my recovery, but that sure doesn’t make me an expert! Not on Al-Anon, and certainly not on anyone else’s recovery journey. But my service has given me a lot of opportunity to read, to think, to talk to other Al-Anon members, to think some more, to meet lots of other people in the program, and to put the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts into action. It has also allowed me to step outside of my comfort zone while remaining in the “safety zone” of Al-Anon.

I have learned how to say “yes,” and I have learned how to say “no” when need be. I still sometimes feel like that newcomer I was 26 years ago, but when I listen to actual newcomers share, it reminds me just how far I’ve come and allows me to encourage all those newcomers that the program does indeed work if you work it. I know from my own experience.

By Judy M., Illinois

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Today, I Will Dance
I am powerless over having two adult children directly affected by alcoholism. I am powerless over the fear I have related to this disease. However, Al-Anon has taught me that I am not powerless over my responses to that fear or how I relate to my adult children.

“Just for Today,” I have been honest about my fear that one of my loved ones may harm himself. I talked with my Sponsor, who listened and validated my feelings. She reminded me that I can go into the past or I can go into the future, but if I do, I will be by myself, because God is only in the present. She reminded me to keep the focus on myself and suggested I use a God box, write my feelings and fears on slips of paper, and place them in this box. This is an action that can help me let go. Since doing this, I’ve not dwelled on those fears.

Another suggestion was to not nurture the fears and instead nurture myself. I nurture myself by doing something I love. I love to dance. Tonight, I will do that.

The last thing I do is to make a list of all that I am grateful for. At the top of my list will be Al-Anon!

By Barbara A., TX

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Miracles of Sponsorship
I am so grateful for electronic meetings. During Covid, they were my lifeline and kept me sane. I connected with one of my sponsees through an email meeting. She was in so much pain and desperate for a Sponsor. I prayed about it, and my Higher Power encouraged me to sponsor her.

It has been an amazing journey, and I’ve been so blessed to have her in my life. I have watched her grow and learn to trust, and I’ve gotten to hear about the miracles in her life. I got to meet and spend some time with her last summer and meet her family. What a blessing. We are working out of the workbook Reaching for Personal Freedom (P-92) and are in the middle of our Traditions. Her life has changed dramatically and so has mine. I love sponsorship and all that it has shown me. I love this program. Thank you for allowing me to share this miracle.

By Shauna G., California

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Step One
This Step is easy to say but hard to apply. I didn’t come into Al-Anon thinking I was powerless over alcohol. I remember wanting to pour the alcohol down the drain but not having the courage to do so because of the money that was spent on it. I thought about saying a lot of things, but if there was pushback, I would stop to avoid confrontation. I did, however, know that my life had become unmanageable. I was coping with my life in an unhealthy way.

Once the drinking stopped, I began to see just how unmanageable my life had become. I placed more effort into maintaining the illusion of control than into getting to know myself. I was overfilled with emotions inside but was not able to express them outwardly.

Over time, things have become more manageable. I have learned the difference between my responsibility and that of others. I no longer try to control others’ responsibilities. Today, I can freely admit my powerlessness without experiencing any pain. I am grateful for Al-Anon and what I have learned, and I keep revisiting Step One because it helps me stay on track with being true to myself.

By Theresa B., Florida

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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I “Keep Coming Back” for Myself
I first started attending Al-Anon meetings in a desperate attempt to learn how to help my brother find sobriety. My life was unmanageable in that I didn’t know how to get him to seek help, and I was powerless over the control alcohol had over him.

In that first meeting, I heard the phrase “family disease,” and the dots of my own life began connecting. I was raised, along with my sister and brother, in an alcoholic family. So many things started to make sense. I would say that neither I nor my siblings have had a healthy relationship with alcohol, and now my brother has the disease.

I realize now how greatly my life has been affected by this disease. Things like lack of confidence, isolation, being withdrawn, fear of speaking up, and being competitive are just a few of the traits that can be at least partially explained by my childhood in alcoholism. Today, I don’t blame my father for this, because that doesn’t change anything. I am the person I am today, and recognizing that the family disease of alcoholism contributed to that brings me some peace.

I was first drawn to Al-Anon to find out how to help my brother, but I “Keep Coming Back” to help myself.

By Russ B., Minnesota

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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The Power of We
When I first came to Al-Anon via electronic meetings just over a year ago, I thought I was all ready for Step One. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. But it took attending many meetings and studying the Steps before it dawned on me—the word “I” was not anywhere in Step One.

The Step reads: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol…” We, not I.

For the first time in a long time, I realized I was not alone. At each meeting, I was surrounded by others who knew, in one way or another, exactly what I was experiencing. They too had loved ones who struggled with the disease of alcoholism, and they too suffered because of their loved ones’ disease.

Others like me have felt isolated, scared, and anxious, worried about what would become of their loved ones if they could not recover from this disease. Desperate for answers and relief and a place to share my fear and pain, I began to attend two online meetings a week, then three, then four, and sometimes more. No matter which ones I went to, no matter what time of day or evening, no matter what country, the message was consistent: I was not alone.

Every step is a “we” step. Knowing that we are all in this together—that we are a family of Al-Anon members, all looking for answers, all seeking strength and hope—has given me exactly that: strength and hope.

Today, a year after coming into the virtual Al-Anon rooms, I have more peace and serenity than I ever dreamed possible. I found a wonderful Sponsor who gently guides and encourages me. I am working the Steps, reading my literature every day, and greeting every morning with the Serenity Prayer.

But my greatest source of strength has been my Al-Anon family, the wonderful people who show up at meetings to listen, share, and do service to help themselves and others find recovery. And that is why I “Keep Coming Back.”

By Gina B., New York

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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From Crisis to Awakening
I had been in Al-Anon for six years when a family crisis erupted that involved my grandchildren and required immediate action to ensure their safety in that moment. I was able to deescalate the situation; then I promptly came home to call a friend on the Sponsor list. I turned it over to God and held on tight. I refer to that day as my spiritual awakening. The three and a half years since have been nothing short of a miracle.

Initially, I was ashamed to share my feelings with another person even though we sat in the same meeting together week after week. My Sponsor was keenly aware of the emotions that new sponsees have, and even though the process seemed slow, we began. My Sponsor suggested weekly Conference Approved Literature (CAL) reading assignments to complete. I was given the workbooks Reaching for Personal Freedom (P-92) and Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon’s Fourth Step Inventory (P-91).

I am still completing Reaching for Personal Freedom, and I enjoy the pace we have set. Week by week, I take notice of the spiritual recovery that is occurring as a result of working my program and talking with my Sponsor, and I am grateful. I could never have imagined that life, with all its ups and downs, could be so beautiful. To think it started with a phone call to find a Sponsor.

By Jeannie H., Nevada

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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My Tool for Program Reflection
I belong to an electronic Al-Anon group, categorized on the Al-Anon meeting search page as a “bulletin board” group. I love it! It has become a powerful tool for working my program, because of the unique advantages a bulletin board format provides over the live meetings.
My ability to attend bulletin board meetings is not limited by set meeting times. These meetings are open and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I can go every day, which has made a big difference in my progress.

Bulletin board meetings are conducted in writing, with sharings posted and left up for a month. I can go back and revisit anything I find helpful, which allows me to study Conference Approved Literature (CAL) and absorb the experience, strength, and hope shared.
Each morning there is a new meeting topic posted on the site, with corresponding CAL and a lead from the meeting chairperson. Just as in any Al-Anon meeting, experience, strength, and hope from members follows. If I don’t feel ready to share, I can go about my day, explore my reactions and feelings around the topic, and then come back to post my share when my thoughts have settled. Bulletin board meetings allow me to develop a deeper understanding of the topic and of myself.

By Anonymous

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Our Common Thread Provides Safety
I have found the rooms of Al-Anon to be a safe place for me. I say this because all who attend share the common thread of being affected by the disease of alcoholism. Ultimately, I’ve come to realize I don’t feel judgement from others in the meetings, which has made them a safe place to share from the heart. No, this doesn’t happen overnight but, in time, the walls do come down. For me, sharing played a big part in my healing. I like who I am in the rooms of Al-Anon.

By John K., Idaho

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Lessons from a Chicken
Today while I was working in the backyard, one of our chickens flew over the fence of the pen and joined me. I thought nothing of it and continued my work. However, before learning that this chicken could fly over the fence and back again, my husband and I would frantically chase her, pick her up, and put her back over the fence into the pen. She would then fly out again. Once we knew she could get herself back in, we stopped trying to help her and just let her be, knowing there was a risk that she could be taken by predators while outside of the pen. We came to accept that reality.

It occurred to me that this situation was a lot like dealing with my alcoholic son. While he was growing up, I tried to control his behaviors and actions, not realizing I was letting myself be controlled by him. When I met my husband, who was in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), he saw what was going on and recognized the disease in my son. As much as my husband tried to help him, my son didn’t want to change. And no matter what I did or didn’t do, my son was going to be who he was.

When my son turned 18, he was kicked out of the house. I didn’t have the heart to do it, but my husband did, because he knew things weren’t going to change if we continued with the way things were. It’s been many years and many ups and downs since then, but thanks to all I’ve
learned in Al-Anon, I have accepted that, like that chicken, my son is who he is, and I can’t control his choices. I can only focus on my own recovery and hope that the predator of alcoholism doesn’t take him when he’s outside the pen of his.

By Monique F., Massachusetts

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Untwisting the Pretzel
Whenever I’m trying to control things I can’t control and trying to dictate instead of accept, my life starts to feel unmanageable. This feeling is particularly strong when I’m dealing with another person who isn’t acting the way I want them to act—especially when their behavior feels like an injustice against me.

In those moments, I live inside my head, spelling out all of their flaws and mistakes, proving my case for why I’m right, and trying to think of just the right words or actions that will make them do what I want. I twist myself up like a pretzel and only end up feeling even more out of control.

Luckily, with Al-Anon and a whole lot of practice, I’m getting better at differentiating between the things I can control and the things I can’t. I am learning how to let go of other people’s behavior and find my truth and the courage to act on it. The inside of my head still gets unmanageable from time to time, but now I have the tools and the support system to recognize it sooner and move myself in a healthier direction.

By Matt B., Florida
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Passing on the Comfort I Found
I came to Al-Anon out of desperation. I was desperate to learn how to get my alcoholic loved one to stop drinking. I was consumed with anxiety and obsessed about his every move. I felt guilty about neglecting our daughter and believed I wasn’t being a good mom. I had isolated myself from my friends, I was losing focus at work, and I wasn’t sleeping or taking care of myself.

My first meeting gave me hope that if I kept going to meetings, things would get better. At the time, I didn’t realize that meant that I would get better! Regardless of whether my loved one kept drinking or not, I would get better. Imagine that!

I think I cried my way through those first meetings. After one such meeting, a kind older member approached me and spoke to me gently. She told me that I would be okay. Just hearing that I would be okay was the experience, strength, and hope I needed. Then she gave me the
most wonderful hug and passed me some neatly folded pages. She said that over the years of coming to Al-Anon, she had compiled these wise words that had helped her, and she was passing them on to me.

That was almost eight years ago, and that member has since passed away. I continue to go to meetings and have gratefully taken on service, because I truly believe that when I get busy, I get better. I try to be a comfort to new members like she was to me. I pass on her wise words, paying forward her kindness, strength, and hope. Her kindness that day and her wise words continue to comfort and inspire me.

By Karen A., Newfoundland

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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New Beginnings, New Hope, New Choices
How many beginnings do I have in my life? As the world changes, as I change, opportunities for new beginnings appear. Accepting that change is a fact and a reality has certainly helped me in my recovery.

It took time—months, even years of weekly Al-Anon meetings in my rural town before I recognized how powerless I was to change the person I loved and realized I was trying to control his behavior. I wanted him to have the same dreams I had and to want the same family happiness I wanted. I had thought that I could accomplish this dream if I just prayed with all my heart and studied my religious scriptures. I believed we could be happy if he changed.

Then came Al-Anon. Step One says, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” This is written in the past tense. Something has already changed. I am looking back. I am standing on the first Step.

As I continued in the Al-Anon program, each Step I worked on brought me to a new view from a higher position. Over time, as I studied each Step, I finally got to a place where I could “see the future.” I saw new hope and discovered new choices. Now I love waking up to each new day. It may be the usual routine or hold some new experience. But Steps One, Two, and Three always bring renewed hope and new possibilities as I apply them to my life today.

By Rosemarie B., Alberta
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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I Do Belong in Al-Anon
Some people can remember the exact date they first came to an Al-Anon meeting. I do not. I remember, though, the exact situation that caused me to follow through on actually walking into my first meeting. It was the day I had to drive my son to the center of town, tell him that he could no longer live at home, and drop him off. He seemed far more at ease with this than I felt. As I drove off, his parting look seemed to imply, “What took you so long?”

I was warmly welcomed to my first meeting and every meeting thereafter, yet I was always questioning whether I really belonged. Every time the meeting leader would ask if there were any newcomers, I would start to raise my hand, then tell myself, Stop! Don’t raise your hand. This is your fourth, twelfth, sixteenth meeting.

Honestly, it was only after I’d been to quite a few meetings that I finally listened closely and actually heard the final sentence of Tradition Three: “The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.” At that point, I was finally able to relax and feel that, yes, if that is all that is required, I actually do belong here, and this is the place for me.

I also learned how important it is to actually listen carefully to the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions each time they are read, as I never know when a Higher Power will allow me to hear something in a new way that will bring me closer to self-understanding and that slippery idea of serenity.

By Michael M., Maine

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Comfort in a Rough Place
“You are in a rough place right now,” my Sponsor said as we walked together before our meeting. I had asked him to meet me 30 minutes early to help me find some firm ground. My brother had died four days earlier, and my partner was spiraling into a drunken bottom of her own. Violence and chaos dominated my home life. Neither I nor my son felt safe in our home. I just wanted space for our shared grief and could find none. Even though I’d been in Al-Anon eight years, I now found myself facing a new version of this baffling, cunning, and powerful disease at a time when I had no emotional energy to cope with it.

Still, my Sponsor’s simple words helped me find a little light and brought together all I had learned in Al-Anon. Tradition Five states that Al-Anon’s one purpose is “to help families of alcoholics” by welcoming and comforting them.

He welcomed me into the conversation by setting aside time on short notice to meet early. I mattered to him. He let me share what I was facing, just like we do at our meetings, without interruption. I rambled and cried, and he just let me. I felt comforted by his listening. He heard my pain and responded with how he saw me: “You are…” But he did not give me advice or tell me what to do. His quiet comfort gave me a little power in a situation where I felt powerless. I felt less alone, too—a key reason why we “Keep Coming Back” to our meetings.

At the time, I did not realize that his last two words were also crucial: “right now.” That period of time felt like forever while it was happening. It was overwhelming to feel so much all at once. But feelings aren’t facts. My Sponsor knew my feelings would pass eventually. They did. It wasn’t easy, but I bounced back better because of my program and its purpose of “welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.”

By Charley B., Minnesota

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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There Was Al-Anon
Looking back on the years of chaos with my son, I like to believe that everything happened for a reason. I used to drive past familiar places that would bring back sad memories, and my heart would begin to ache. I now realize that everything had to happen the way it did in order for my son to reach the point where he chose his path to recovery.

My favorite part of the book How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (B-32) is the chapter called “The Family Disease of Alcoholism.” One section describes the entire family holding the alcoholic above water. When one person lets go, the alcoholic falls. At that point, the alcoholic may become so uncomfortable that he chooses recovery. I truly believe that my letting go had something to do with my son seeking recovery. When my well-meaning efforts ended in failure, I had to turn our futures over to a Higher Power. While I was powerless over my son’s drinking, I wasn’t helpless or alone. There was hope; there was Al-Anon.

By Ruth O., Michigan

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Letting Go of Second-Guessing
It happened again. Soon after I shared my honest feelings with a loved one, I doubted myself. Had I said too much? Would it have been better if I’d kept quiet? Growing up gay in a home affected by alcoholism, I learned to keep quiet about my feelings. Much of my life before Al-Anon was spent in fear of speaking my truth. I thought that if I shared who I really was and how I really felt, people would stop loving me. It became hard to trust myself, let alone anyone else.

Today, my Higher Power is giving me the courage to speak up in some situations, and to accept when silence is best in others. Reading the Just for Tonight bookmark (M-81) every night before bed has allowed me to recognize and gently let go of second-guessing myself. I do “take comfort in knowing that every event and circumstance that occurred today can be used for my good and the good of others.” That sentence gives me permission to stop judging and analyzing myself; the day is over. Now it belongs to my Higher Power, who can use it for my good and the good of others. “Just for Tonight,” I can set any lingering worries aside and “look forward to awakening to the new day, feeling rested and ready to follow my Higher Power’s guidance.”

By Kevin S., Iowa

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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Shifting My Focus to Myself
Before I came into Al-Anon, my focus was on anyone but me. It was mostly on my husband, who had just entered an outpatient rehab program. My sole purpose was to be supportive to him and to ensure he never drank again. He had just been released from the hospital after having spent a month in the intensive care unit. He had become critically ill from drinking and nearly didn’t survive. Therefore, I focused on what I could do to ensure he stayed sober.

In one of the outpatient family sessions I attended, I expressed my fear of my husband drinking again. The counselor looked at me and said, “You need to go to Al-Anon.” I thought that was great, because now I had a place to go where someone would tell me how to keep my husband from drinking.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and when I got there, everyone was smiling, laughing, and seemed so happy. I felt terrified, but also excited, because I was going to learn the secret to keeping my husband sober. When it was my turn to share, I told my story and asked what I needed to do to keep him from drinking. At that point, the whole room laughed. I was horrified. But they all smiled and said I was in the right place and to “Keep Coming Back.”

I wasn’t happy that I didn’t get the answer I wanted, but I did keep going back. The more Al-Anon meetings I attended, the less I focused on my husband’s recovery and the more I focused on mine. I learned the importance of self-care, and I shifted my focus to myself. I had never really done that before or imagined it was something I should be doing. I started eating healthier and taking better care of myself. In doing so, I found I wasn’t trying to control my husband’s behavior so much; I was paying more attention to mine.

I’ve been in the program now for six years, and Al-Anon has helped me begin to figure out who I am and realize that it’s alright to focus on myself. My feelings matter. I am a happier person today because of the Al-Anon program.

By Debie R., New Mexico

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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The First Step to Healing
I think for a long time the only power I felt I had was to get enraged. I felt powerless in every other way. It’s funny that I think I’m in charge and intimidating when I get angry, because really, the anger has me on strings like a puppet. Anger is a normal human emotion, but without a
proper channel for it, it only spells destruction. And that’s where I had gotten to—destruction.

Nothing good was coming from these rages.

My partner’s drinking had cost her many things in her life. It seemed she would rather do anything than admit she was powerless over her drinking and, in that powerlessness, find the strength that comes with surrendering. In my moments of rage, I, too, needed to surrender and
realize that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable, as it says in Step One.

I finally listened to the inner voice that told me to come back to Al-Anon. One afternoon, in a situation where I normally would’ve gotten angry and a terrible fight would’ve surely broken out, I just didn’t say anything. I got in the car and distanced myself from the situation. I had no idea what to do anymore. Then I saw an Al-Anon poster in town, and I knew what I needed to do.

Just being here in meetings has given me so much hope and has made me feel loved. I think that just stepping through the door to attend a meeting is the first step to healing. Reflecting on Step One this past week, I’ve felt more peaceful. I know that when things become unmanageable again, I just have to remember that when I take care of myself and stop trying to control others, the anger dissipates, and peace takes its place.

By Anonymous

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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Lost-and-Found Self
I was addicted to my son.

Coming to that realization was a major aha moment for me. For years, I hadn’t been able to separate my son from his disease. I thought I just needed to “fix” his mental health issues, but now, I realize that he is an alcoholic and I have been playing a major part in the family disease. I
have been working with my Al-Anon Sponsor, and when I met with her recently, it came to me that my son is my addiction. I learned that alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, and I am addicted to people. I had no idea I was so addicted to my son.

For years, I have been worried about him, constantly wondering if he is in jail or driving drunk and hurting someone or himself. Reminding him to get to his court dates and call his probation officer was so exhausting. He would come over to my house and throw up from his drinking the night before. All of this broke my heart, and I lost myself in the process.

My son is now almost 20 years old, and I find myself trying to remember who I am. With this latest epiphany—that I am addicted to my son—I have an opportunity to recover myself. I am on a path of rediscovering what I like and what makes me happy and fulfilled. It feels a bit scary, but I know that I will bloom as I just take a day at a time and focus on myself. I am learning to stop myself from checking on him to see if he is okay, and I am trying to learn to check on myself to see if I am okay and to figure out what I might need.

I am so grateful to have the Al-Anon program, the people in the meetings, and my Higher Power in my life to be the guiding lights for my recovery. As I am detaching, setting boundaries, and focusing on myself, I am also giving my son room to take responsibility for himself. I have seen him show a bit of maturity, and he now has the opportunity to discover himself on his Higher Power’s timetable.

I am learning to “Let Go and Let God,” and I look forward to finding myself again!

By Anna C., Washington

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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The Principles Permeate My Life
When I started in Al-Anon, I had just turned 30 and met a great guy (my future husband) who was really involved in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.). He suggested I try Al-Anon because I was resentful about how many meetings he went to! I resisted at first but then tried it, even though I had no idea what it was all about.

Mind you, my parents were active alcoholics, but I didn’t make the connection that this was part
of the insanity of my life. At first, I did not care for the part of the meetings where someone would read, “It is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.” Well, 21 years later, my parents still have not found sobriety, but our relationship has improved immensely. I have learned to separate them from their disease. I understand now that alcoholism is a disease, whereas I used to think it was a choice. Today, I have compassion for my parents.

I also go to open A.A. meetings, which helps me understand that my alcoholic loved ones do feel shame and guilt. I don’t see that in my parents per se, but I trust that this is true. I’ve learned that hurt people hurt people. I know that my parents love me, but they have also hurt me. I’m incredibly grateful that I have the opportunity to break the cycle of addiction by implementing the tools of this program within my own family. My boys know that their dad and I are in recovery. They are also aware that alcoholism and addiction run in our family, and they know where to get help if they ever need it.

I can no longer delineate where my program starts and ends because it has truly permeated all areas of my life. I use the principles at work, in my community, and, mostly, in my own home (which is often the most difficult place of all). Al-Anon has made me a better daughter, wife,
mother, and friend by teaching me that I have choices, that “No” is a complete sentence, and that boundaries are enforceable when they are for my protection (instead of being punitive).

I love getting to share what I have learned with others. Being sponsored and sponsoring others are just two more wonderful ways I get to forge even deeper relationships with people who really can relate to the emotional depths that life with an alcoholic can bring. This program is work, but it is worthwhile work! And I believe I am worth the work, because I gain the greatest rewards. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do now. Service in Al-Anon has given me strong relationships with others and played a huge part in keeping me humble and accountable. I look forward to learning and growing even more as my Higher Power guides my ongoing journey of self-discovery.

By Brianna M., Idaho

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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What Compassion Really Means
Before coming to Al-Anon, I had a hard time understanding exactly what compassion was. I thought it meant covering for the alcoholic and making excuses for his actions. I thought I was being compassionate when I looked the other way but still fixed whatever he did that caused
problems. I thought I was having compassion for him when I made myself responsible for his drinking, dishonesty, and abuse.

I was so wrong, and I was not aware that what I was doing was actually harming him. I didn’t know that I was enabling him. Change was very painful for me, but through the Al-Anon program, I learned in a gentle and caring way what compassion really is. Compassion is about accepting people as they are and still loving them. That does not mean making excuses for the alcoholic or covering for their mistakes. That is enabling. Sometimes, being compassionate requires a great deal of effort. I can find compassion for others who have tested me to the limit by letting go of resentments and anger. But I can only let go of resentments and anger if I first let go of unrealistic expectations, let others take responsibility for their actions, and allow them the dignity to learn from their own mistakes. This applies to me too.  Many times, being compassionate with myself has been a lot more difficult than being compassionate with others. I can only achieve compassion for myself by accepting myself the same way that I learned to accept others as they are, by practicing “Live and Let Live” and remembering that I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to change instantly, but I can make progress “One Day at a Time” by going to meetings, reading Al-Anon literature, and talking to my Sponsor.

It took me years to stop enabling my son and start giving him the dignity to learn from his own mistakes, and at the same time, to accept myself the way I am. But with the guidance of the Al-Anon program, I now feel compassion for both of us, and I understand that I didn’t cause him to drink, I can’t control him or his drinking, and I cannot cure him. In a few words, Al-Anon helped me to stop enabling and start feeling compassion.

By Alicia D., Pennsylvania

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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Uncovering the Beauty Within
My adult daughter was visiting me from out of state. Throughout her life, she has struggled with anxiety and depression. When I look at her, I see a beautiful, statuesque young woman, but her appearance shows only her outer protective shell, not the thick layers of fear, abandonment, need for control, and other symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism that encase the beautiful being hidden within.

I know this because I am an adult child of alcoholics. I understand her because I was her. I learned at a tender age to be hypervigilant and observant to try to control my out-of-control family life. My main control method was trying to make all the angry, depressed, sad people around me happy. Their happiness was my focus. My attempts to cope with my family situation created a protective shell made of hard, thick layers of dishonesty, distorted thinking, fear, anxiety, and self-loathing. By the time I was my daughter’s age, my thinking about myself and others was warped.

I had no idea who I was, what I felt, or how to get the love and security I longed for. I sought to fill these needs in all the wrong places—self-medicating with alcohol; dating men who were alcoholics, addicts, or emotionally unavailable; and spending time with “friends” I wanted to please even though I didn’t like them.

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting over 40 years ago. Before that, I didn’t know that my mother, father, and sister were alcoholics. Having been planted deep in the woods of a dysfunctional family, I had no way of knowing there were other ways of living in the world. But Al-Anon changed this.

During my early days in Al-Anon, I was my usual silent, sad, miserable self, though I kept a smile painted on my face no matter how awful, angry, and resentful I felt inside. I was so focused on everyone else I never thought of honestly looking at myself. But I heard over and over that “in this program, the focus is on you.” That idea was foreign to me. I had no idea that the security, stability, and love I longed for could never be found outside myself, which was where I was seeking it. Instead, it resided within me where my Higher Power was.

Al-Anon is the spiritual vessel on which I set sail all those years ago in my quest to discover what was hidden beneath the shell I grew to protect my heart. The meetings, literature, Steps, principles, my Sponsor, service, and friendships helped me navigate life in new ways and recover from the devastating effects alcohol and addiction had on my life. Today, the Al-Anon program continues to reveal those parts of my shell that still need to be removed to uncover more of the serene, joyful, beautiful me inside.

By Anonymous

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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From Victim to Victory, Using the Tools of Al-Anon
When I think of the word victory, I think of achieving success despite significant obstacles. I see it as living my best life with serenity, dignity, and grace. One of the biggest barriers to my own victory was my victim outlook. I placed an enormous amount of importance on things outside myself: my circumstances, my experiences, and the actions of other people. I have come to understand that that was due to the family disease of alcoholism and the way it distorted my thinking.

I can also say that this point of view was a part of my family for generations. Coming into Al-Anon, I carried the burdens of my own resentments, bitterness, guilt, and shame. But I couldn’t see these burdens, let alone work with them, because all of my focus was on others. Using the tools of Al-Anon recovery lifted the fog and allowed me to see the truth.  In meetings, I heard others share their own insights about feeling victimized and growing past it.  As I learned to ask for help from my fellow Al-Anon members, I gained a clearer view of who I really was. Working with my Sponsor studying the Twelve Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of Service, the broken parts of me were mended, piece by piece. Studying the words of fellow Al-Anon members in our literature, I gained a healthier perspective.

Today, I can say that, instead of burdens, I carry the gifts found in the spiritual principles of Al-Anon: unity, equality, trust, tolerance, patience, freedom, kindness, and forgiveness, among others. I’ve realized that my journey is summed up in the title of my favorite Al-Anon book: From Survival to Recovery (B-21). As long as I viewed the world as a victim, I could only survive. It was by using these tools that I could rise victorious and really recover. I can truly say that not a moment has been wasted, and I will “Keep Coming Back.”

By Diane M., Florida

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

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